Checklist: Are You Depressed?

You’re probably fine.

My Mother Describes Film Plots

Lady Bird: A teen girl has sex with her boyfriend, and he’s not a nice guy!!!

When you just wanna be a nice painting but the patriarchy spoils your chill.

PENNYWISE: Want a balloon?

GEORGIE: Sry Im kinda into boats atm

PENNYWISE: That’s cool…

Ever wonder what it’d be like to have Wes Anderson, Gus Van Sant, Quentin Tarantino or The Coen Brothers direct your 21st Birthday?

There are some mean grannies out there.

“All right. Can I get you a drink, or are you ready to order?”

“Is anyone ever ready when their number comes up?”

The truth you are about to see isn’t pretty.

I mean, it’s actually REALLY pretty, but that’s kind of the problem.

“Tell me what thy platform is on national security and medicaid!”

“Are we almost done? I have a dreamy, staring-out-the-window session scheduled for 4:37PM. The light just isn’t as golden and nostalgic after that.”