The Real Exorcist Tapes: What the Scariest Movie of All Time Didn’t Show You

Tis the season to cue up THE EXORCIST, everyone’s favorite demon movie. The book is good too, if you’re into details about black mass. But not many people know that this spine-tingling tale of possession is based on a true story, a horrific exorcism that just so happened to be recorded on tape. Now, for the first time, a transcription of the event has been made available.

Say your prayers and read on, if you dare to witness the true horror of THE REAL EXORCIST TAPES.

DEMON: HEYYY FATHER

Is that you, demon?

DEMON: MAYYYYBE

What are you doing in there??

DEMON: BEIN A LIL STINKER

Get out of there right now!

DEMON: MAKE ME

Just wait until God gets home

DEMON: IMMA TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR DOUBTS

Don’t you dare!

DEMON: I’LL DO IT

Whatever, I’m sure He already knows. 

DEMON: DANGIT

Well. Are you going to come out or do we need to have a little talk? 

DEMON: TALK ALL YOU WANT, YA LITTLE BITCH

Big talk for someone hiding out in a tween. 

DEMON: I SAID WHAT I SAID

Do you think Satan would be real proud of your little attitude right now?

DEMON: YES

DEMON: I GOT A GOLD STAR LAST TIME

I didn’t know the hell was into giving out participation awards

DEMON: “PARTICIPATION” MY FLAMING BUTT, I DID AN AWESOME JOB

You got cast out into a bunch of pigs!

DEMON: THE DARK LORD LIKES PIGS

DEMON: HE THINKS THEY’RE CUTE

But what do YOU think?

DEMON: I THINK YOU’RE A FARTFACE

If you don’t get out of there I’m going to start talking in Latin, you know. 

DEMON: TU ES FARTFACE, THEN

Alright, I’m getting the crosses out…

DEMON: YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THOSE

Holy water, check…

DEMON: DO YA HAVE A RUM CHASER TO GO WITH THAT?

Just gonna bless the body now… check-check

DEMON: NOOO OK ILL BE GOOD!

Hmm, I don’t trust you.

DEMON: PLEAAAASEUHHH

Then come over here.

DEMON: FINNNNE

I didn’t say levitate the bed over here!

DEMON: WELL YOU SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC SHOULDN’T YOU

Hop out of that mortal body like a good demon. 

DEMON: HOW ABOUT WE JUST CRAB CRAWL BACKWARDS DOWN THE STAIRS FOR AWHILE

Noo, Demon, what did we say about that?

DEMON: I DON’T REMEMBER–

No– hey, stop it right now!

DEMON: DID WE SAY–

I’m warning you!

DEMON: BACKWARDS UPSIDE DOWN CRAB WALK IS COOL?

No!

DEMON: WHAT ABOUT SPINNING AROUND?

That’s a no also!

DEMON: THAT’S A NO ALSO! 

Stop repeating me!

DEMON: STOP REPEATING ME!

I love Jesus.

DEMON: I– OHH YOU GOT ME WITH THAT ONE.

Ok, now let’s just settle down. 

DEMON: “OOH I’M A HOLY PRE-K TEACHER!” THAT’S YOU. THAT’S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE

I do not, that’s a whole 10 octaves and 12 voices away from what I sound like!

DEMON: OK OK. QUESTION FOR YOU:

Nope…

DEMON: DO YOU LIKE

No

DEMON: DO YOU LIKE PEA FOOD

Don’t. Even. 

DEMON: PEA FOOD!!

DEMON: [VOMIT SOUNDS]

I’m not cleaning that up. 

DEMON: WAIT I THINK I MESSED UP THAT JOKE

OK, blessing the body for real now.

DEMON: YOU NEVER LIKE THINGS THAT ARE FUN!

Now you’ve done it, I’m tying you down.

DEMON: WHYYYY THOUGH!

It’s a lovely day for an exorcism!

DEMON: HEY I LIKE TO SAY THAT PART!

Well, when we play with our mortal vomit we lose our demonic taunting privileges, don’t we?

DEMON: YOUR MOM THINKS YOU’RE A LITTLE BITCH TOO!

See, this is why you don’t have any friends.

DEMON: YOUR MOM IS MY FRIEND

Can we leave my mother out of it this time?

DEMON: DO YOU KNOW HOW FAT YOUR MOM IS?

Are you really doing a yo mama joke right now?

DEMON: YO MAMA IS SOoOO FAT

[SIGH]

WE CALL HER LEGION!

No she’s not, she’s in heaven and she hates you.

DEMON: WELL SHE’D BE MY FRIEND IF SHE GOT TO KNOW ME!

Maybe if you weren’t such a little turd and learned how to play nice…

DEMON: I *WAS* PLAYING NICE!

Was that before or after you possessed a little girl? 

DEMON: SHE WAS CHEATING AT OUJI.

That’s not a thing. 

DEMON: YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT THE KIDS ARE LIKE WITH THEIR SUMMONING EVIL AND THEIR TIK TOKS!

Ok, I’m serious now. Get out. 

DEMON: ALSO HER NAME IS REAGAN WTF IS THAT ABOUT

You’re one to talk, PAZUZU.

DEMON: LOW BLOW OK, WHEN I CAME TO BE THAT WAS THE MOST POPULAR BABY NAME!

In hell.

DEMON: YOUR POINT?

It’s time to stop disturbing this nice family and move along.

DEMON: A FEW MORE MINUUUUTES

No

DEMON: BUT IT’LL BE THE WITCHING HOUR IN… A FEW HOURS. THAT’S MY FAVORITE ONE!

No, NOW. 

DEMON: YOU’RE RUINING MY POSSESSIONNNN!

The power of Christ compels you!

DEMON: OOH YOU THINK YOU’RE SO COOL WITH YOUR STARCHED COLLAR AND YOUR POWER OF CHRIST!

It compels you!

DEMON: DOES NOT!

Yes it does!

DEMON: OK OK IT COMPELS ME A LITTLE BIT

Are you going to behave and get on back to hell now? 

DEMON: MAYBE. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO! NO OTHER REASON!

The power of Christ–

DEMON: STOP RUSHING ME!

–Compels you

DEMON: IMMA COMPEL YOU TO BE POSSESSED IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP ALREADY!

Don’t change the subject!

DEMON: LOTS OF NICE STONE STEPS OUT THERE. IT’D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE WERE TO… RECEIVE-A-CAST-OUT-DEMON AND FALL DOWN THEM

Out.

DEMON: FINE. BUT I’M TELLING YOUR MOM ABOUT THIS.

You’re so full of it. 

DEMON: HAHAHA OK DUMB PRIEST, SEE YA NEXT LIFE

Bye forever, stupid demon. 

DEMON: DUMBPRIESTSAYSWHAT

What? Hey!

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