Tis the season to cue up THE EXORCIST, everyone’s favorite demon movie. The book is good too, if you’re into details about black mass. But not many people know that this spine-tingling tale of possession is based on a true story, a horrific exorcism that just so happened to be recorded on tape. Now, for the first time, a transcription of the event has been made available.
Say your prayers and read on, if you dare to witness the true horror of THE REAL EXORCIST TAPES.
DEMON: HEYYY FATHER
Is that you, demon?
What are you doing in there??
DEMON: BEIN A LIL STINKER
Get out of there right now!
DEMON: MAKE ME
Just wait until God gets home
DEMON: IMMA TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR DOUBTS
Don’t you dare!
DEMON: I’LL DO IT
Whatever, I’m sure He already knows.
Well. Are you going to come out or do we need to have a little talk?
DEMON: TALK ALL YOU WANT, YA LITTLE BITCH
Big talk for someone hiding out in a tween.
DEMON: I SAID WHAT I SAID
Do you think Satan would be real proud of your little attitude right now?
DEMON: I GOT A GOLD STAR LAST TIME
I didn’t know the hell was into giving out participation awards
DEMON: “PARTICIPATION” MY FLAMING BUTT, I DID AN AWESOME JOB
You got cast out into a bunch of pigs!
DEMON: THE DARK LORD LIKES PIGS
DEMON: HE THINKS THEY’RE CUTE
But what do YOU think?
DEMON: I THINK YOU’RE A FARTFACE
If you don’t get out of there I’m going to start talking in Latin, you know.
DEMON: TU ES FARTFACE, THEN
Alright, I’m getting the crosses out…
DEMON: YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THOSE
Holy water, check…
DEMON: DO YA HAVE A RUM CHASER TO GO WITH THAT?
Just gonna bless the body now… check-check
DEMON: NOOO OK ILL BE GOOD!
Hmm, I don’t trust you.
Then come over here.
I didn’t say levitate the bed over here!
DEMON: WELL YOU SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC SHOULDN’T YOU
Hop out of that mortal body like a good demon.
DEMON: HOW ABOUT WE JUST CRAB CRAWL BACKWARDS DOWN THE STAIRS FOR AWHILE
Noo, Demon, what did we say about that?
DEMON: I DON’T REMEMBER–
No– hey, stop it right now!
DEMON: DID WE SAY–
I’m warning you!
DEMON: BACKWARDS UPSIDE DOWN CRAB WALK IS COOL?
DEMON: WHAT ABOUT SPINNING AROUND?
That’s a no also!
DEMON: THAT’S A NO ALSO!
Stop repeating me!
DEMON: STOP REPEATING ME!
I love Jesus.
DEMON: I– OHH YOU GOT ME WITH THAT ONE.
Ok, now let’s just settle down.
DEMON: “OOH I’M A HOLY PRE-K TEACHER!” THAT’S YOU. THAT’S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE
I do not, that’s a whole 10 octaves and 12 voices away from what I sound like!
DEMON: OK OK. QUESTION FOR YOU:
DEMON: DO YOU LIKE
DEMON: DO YOU LIKE PEA FOOD
DEMON: PEA FOOD!!
DEMON: [VOMIT SOUNDS]
I’m not cleaning that up.
DEMON: WAIT I THINK I MESSED UP THAT JOKE
OK, blessing the body for real now.
DEMON: YOU NEVER LIKE THINGS THAT ARE FUN!
Now you’ve done it, I’m tying you down.
DEMON: WHYYYY THOUGH!
It’s a lovely day for an exorcism!
DEMON: HEY I LIKE TO SAY THAT PART!
Well, when we play with our mortal vomit we lose our demonic taunting privileges, don’t we?
DEMON: YOUR MOM THINKS YOU’RE A LITTLE BITCH TOO!
See, this is why you don’t have any friends.
DEMON: YOUR MOM IS MY FRIEND
Can we leave my mother out of it this time?
DEMON: DO YOU KNOW HOW FAT YOUR MOM IS?
Are you really doing a yo mama joke right now?
DEMON: YO MAMA IS SOoOO FAT—
WE CALL HER LEGION!
No she’s not, she’s in heaven and she hates you.
DEMON: WELL SHE’D BE MY FRIEND IF SHE GOT TO KNOW ME!
Maybe if you weren’t such a little turd and learned how to play nice…
DEMON: I *WAS* PLAYING NICE!
Was that before or after you possessed a little girl?
DEMON: SHE WAS CHEATING AT OUJI.
That’s not a thing.
DEMON: YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT THE KIDS ARE LIKE WITH THEIR SUMMONING EVIL AND THEIR TIK TOKS!
Ok, I’m serious now. Get out.
DEMON: ALSO HER NAME IS REAGAN WTF IS THAT ABOUT
You’re one to talk, PAZUZU.
DEMON: LOW BLOW OK, WHEN I CAME TO BE THAT WAS THE MOST POPULAR BABY NAME!
DEMON: YOUR POINT?
It’s time to stop disturbing this nice family and move along.
DEMON: A FEW MORE MINUUUUTES
DEMON: BUT IT’LL BE THE WITCHING HOUR IN… A FEW HOURS. THAT’S MY FAVORITE ONE!
DEMON: YOU’RE RUINING MY POSSESSIONNNN!
The power of Christ compels you!
DEMON: OOH YOU THINK YOU’RE SO COOL WITH YOUR STARCHED COLLAR AND YOUR POWER OF CHRIST!
It compels you!
DEMON: DOES NOT!
Yes it does!
DEMON: OK OK IT COMPELS ME A LITTLE BIT
Are you going to behave and get on back to hell now?
DEMON: MAYBE. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO! NO OTHER REASON!
The power of Christ–
DEMON: STOP RUSHING ME!
DEMON: IMMA COMPEL YOU TO BE POSSESSED IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP ALREADY!
Don’t change the subject!
DEMON: LOTS OF NICE STONE STEPS OUT THERE. IT’D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE WERE TO… RECEIVE-A-CAST-OUT-DEMON AND FALL DOWN THEM
DEMON: FINE. BUT I’M TELLING YOUR MOM ABOUT THIS.
You’re so full of it.
DEMON: HAHAHA OK DUMB PRIEST, SEE YA NEXT LIFE
Bye forever, stupid demon.