Texts from Monsters: Michael Myers

MICHAEL: Hey Laurie. It’s me, your institutionalized brother!


MICHAEL: You know, Michael!

LAURIE: I dont know a Michael

MICHAEL: I murdered our older sis a few years ago? 

LAURIE: Oh. That was u? 

MICHAEL: Yeah, weird that mom and dad didn’t tell you about that. It was kind of a big deal. 

LAURIE: That’s soooo typical mom and dad 


MICHAEL: What’s up sis!


MICHAEL: Just standing around in total silence like always!


MICHAEL: Gonna be in town soon, we should catch up!

LAURIE: Cant that day

MICHAEL: I didn’t tell you when!

LAURIE: Well Im very busy not having sex these days

MICHAEL: Hey sis! Don’t you just love fall!

LAURIE: I miss summertime

MICHAEL: What! That’s so lame!

LAURIE: There aren’t alot of local urban legends about babysitters being murdered in the summer

MICHAEL: You’re babysitting now! That’s cool! 

LAURIE: I didn’t say that

MICHAEL: Hey sis!

LAURIE: Whats up

MICHAEL: Just picking up a pumpkin spice latte! Yum!


LAURIE: wait do they let you do that

MICHAEL: Now you sound like mom and dad! Always putting down my favorite seasonal activities!

LAURIE: Murdering babysitters isnt a normal past time Michael

MICHAEL: I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life!

LAURIE: Ok good, dont come over here

MICHAEL: But I need help pouring this latte into my mask

MICHAEL: Hey sis!

LAURIE: Not now Michael

MICHAEL: How’s your slutty friend?



MICHAEL: Heyyyy sis!

LAURIE: Michael why are you texting me right now

MICHAEL: Just to say hi!

LAURIE: I know u r here stalking me

MICHAEL: Oh is this your house? It’s nice! Lots of closet space!

MICHAEL: Hey sis!

LAURIE: Stop trying to murder me, Mike

MICHAEL: Texting while driving results in a billion fatal accidents every year, Laurie! That’s not “murder” gosh, do your research!

LAURIE: Im not driving tho

MICHAEL: Technicalities!

MICHAEL: Hey sis! 

LAURIE: Michael stop it

MICHAEL: Just trying to be festive! I love fall fashion, don’t you!

LAURIE: A rubber mask is not fashion

MICHAEL: Blood and knife emojis!

LAURIE: What’s that supposed to mean

MICHAEL: Do you know how hard it is to express myself without a face?! 

MICHAEL: Hiiii Laurie! 

LAURIE: What now

MICHAEL: Did you get that funny meme I sent!

LAURIE: A picture of a knife is not a meme

MICHAEL: Ok but it is funny IMHO!

LAURIE: Well ur opinion is messed up

MICHAEL: Stop trying to cancel me for my edgy humor, Laurie!

LAURIE: Avoiding being stabbed isnt cancel culture

MICHAEL: Whatever! Have you had sex yet!

LAURIE: None of ur business

MICHAEL: You should stop being a prude so I can murder you LOL!

MICHAEL: Hey sis!

LAURIE: Stop creeping around outside like that

MICHAEL: How did you know!

LAURIE: U R playing that synthy horror music really loud

MICHAEL: It gets me pumped tho!

LAURIE: The neighbors r starting to complain

MICHAEL: You’re making that up! I killed them all on Tuesday!

MICHAEL: Hey sis!


MICHAEL: I’m sorry if I embarrassed you before!

LAURIE: U stabbed me and murdered my friends!

MICHAEL: OK I may have missed some social cues!


MICHAEL: You should go upstairs, I left you an apology present.

LAURIE: I know u r up there with a knife

MICHAEL: I might be up here with a puppy for all you know!

LAURIE: Is it a dead puppy?

MICHAEL: This is why no one invites you to surprise parties, Laurie!

MICHAEL: Hey sis!

LAURIE: Go away Michael

MICHAEL: Can you talk? 

LAURIE: U don’t speak

MICHAEL: Well MAYBE you just suck at LISTENING!

MICHAEL: Hey sis, you free tonight?


MICHAEL: I knew it! You’re having company over and you didn’t want to include me!

LAURIE: Ok fine, that old doctor guy is here

MICHAEL: Ugh he’s so obsessed with me! Tell him I’m not here!

LAURIE: r u in the house right now?


MICHAEL: Hey sis, good job killing me!

MICHAEL: JK!!! I’ll see you in a sec!

LAURIE: uhhh new phone, who this?

MICHAEL: Oh sorry, this is your brother Michael Myers.

LAURIE: IDK who that is

MICHAEL: Oh I get it, you’re pranking me. Runs in the family!

LAURIE: again, murder does not = sense of humor

MICHAEL: LOLOL you’re the best, let’s do this every year!

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