Checklist: Are You Depressed?

Depression Checklist


  • Are you sad?

  • Are you distracting yourself from feeling sad?

  • Is your relationship with your family or significant other imperfect?

  • Are you a person on the internet?

If you answered a resounding NO to all of the above, you’re probably fine. If you’re still not sure, read on.



Weird Things You Might Cry About If You’re Depressed

  • Nothing

  • The futile nature of existence

  • The beauty of nature

  • North Korea

  • Realizing you left your phone charger in the car

  • The Jurassic Park Theme

  • Casey Affleck with a bedsheet over his head

  • A dirty litter box

  • The end of Men in Black when Tommy Lee Jones’s memory is erased. HE DID SO MUCH FOR HUMANS AND ALIENS AND NOW HE’LL NEVER KNOW

  • Your dad trying to fill a birdfeeder

  • The triumph of the human spirit

  • The fact that you spent over $1 for a Miley Cyrus song that you don’t even like. That’s just poor decision-making.

  • The concept of sad robots




You Might Be Depressed if Your Response to the Question “How Are You?” Is

  1. *long pause while considering possible responses until an uncomfortable amount of time has gone by*

  2. “…….good fine hanging in there HOW ARE YOU THOUGH ehh i’m okay not great, kinda blue but hopeful actually totally awesome it’ll get better do you really want to know i don’t really want to talk about it I’d rather talk about your life oh man you actually want to know how i am and you care [insert joke here] i’m so sorry you have to talk to me when i’m like this i’ll never forget how nice you are to me now i’m not sure if I feel worse because of guilt or better because you’re here and you’re great i’ll make you a cake for your birthday”



If Your Diet Looks Like This, You Might Be Depressed

Monday: A scrambled egg with cayenne pepper, water, skittles

Tuesday: Nothing

Wednesday: Half a pizza, tortilla chips, a can of beans, Jack in the Box #12, five to thirty fun size boxes of nerds (all the pink ones, but also the purple ones when things get desperate), more tortilla chips, despair, wine, hot wings, flaming cheetos, Chick-Fil-A, the rest of that pizza, regret, a bottle of expired organic green juice and a protein bar

Thursday: 9 protein bars, water, and bitter memories

Friday: $3 wine, hopes and dreams,  aged goldfish crackers discovered in cabinet, 2 In & Out hamburgers, more wine

Saturday: Cold soup

Sunday: Gatorade & two pieces of gum which are accidentally swallowed along with the remainder of pride & self respect


If Your Online Dating Profile Looks Like This, You Might Be Depressed

My interests:  long naps in the all day, spontaneous lack of investment, investigating the peculiar disappearance of personality-defining habits, competitive games of avoidance roulette, trying to remember when I had interests, hoping interests come back someday.

My Ideal Date: Just so long as it’s in a romantic poorly lit space I cannot stress the poorly lit part enough

I’m Looking for: a comfortable place to lie down

You Should Contact Me If: you want to stress me out


If Your Google Search History Looks Like This, Depression is Likely


“feel like zombie”

“best horror movies of all time”

“zombie molly ringwald costume”

“support groups near me”

“online support groups?”

“start support group”

“depression memes”

“depression funny”

“depression am i ruining my life”


“antidepressants side effects”

“side effects movie”

“depression stop negative thoughts”

“steve carell”

“steve carell silver fox”

“steve carell with kids”

“steve carell wife”

“where is steve carell”

“depression can’t stop sleeping”

“depression famous people”

“depression famous people who DIDN’T kill themselves”

“depression exercise”

“cheap treadmill for sale”

“depression personality type”

“depression vitamins”

“how to talk to people about depression”

“can cats cure depression”

“do cats cause depression”

“depression can’t stop thinking about depression”

“which sex and the city character are you”


For Real, Though.

 Some people think we shouldn’t make light of serious things like this, but I think any excuse to laugh when you’re feeling sad down to your bones is nice. Also, I hail from the school of if you make fun of it, maybe it will be less scary, like in Harry Potter when the kids learn how to cast the ridiculouso curse or whatever, the one that causes their greatest fears to turn into silly things.

If you are depressed, I hope that you talk to someone about it. And also that you laugh at it.

Depression haaaaates that.

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