Depression Checklist
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Are you sad?
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Are you distracting yourself from feeling sad?
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Is your relationship with your family or significant other imperfect?
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Are you a person on the internet?
If you answered a resounding NO to all of the above, you’re probably fine. If you’re still not sure, read on.
Weird Things You Might Cry About If You’re Depressed
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Nothing
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The futile nature of existence
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The beauty of nature
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North Korea
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Realizing you left your phone charger in the car
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The Jurassic Park Theme
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Casey Affleck with a bedsheet over his head
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A dirty litter box
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The end of Men in Black when Tommy Lee Jones’s memory is erased. HE DID SO MUCH FOR HUMANS AND ALIENS AND NOW HE’LL NEVER KNOW
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Your dad trying to fill a birdfeeder
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The triumph of the human spirit
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The fact that you spent over $1 for a Miley Cyrus song that you don’t even like. That’s just poor decision-making.
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The concept of sad robots
You Might Be Depressed if Your Response to the Question “How Are You?” Is
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*long pause while considering possible responses until an uncomfortable amount of time has gone by*
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“…….good fine hanging in there HOW ARE YOU THOUGH ehh i’m okay not great, kinda blue but hopeful actually totally awesome it’ll get better do you really want to know i don’t really want to talk about it I’d rather talk about your life oh man you actually want to know how i am and you care [insert joke here] i’m so sorry you have to talk to me when i’m like this i’ll never forget how nice you are to me now i’m not sure if I feel worse because of guilt or better because you’re here and you’re great i’ll make you a cake for your birthday”
If Your Diet Looks Like This, You Might Be Depressed
Monday: A scrambled egg with cayenne pepper, water, skittles
Tuesday: Nothing
Wednesday: Half a pizza, tortilla chips, a can of beans, Jack in the Box #12, five to thirty fun size boxes of nerds (all the pink ones, but also the purple ones when things get desperate), more tortilla chips, despair, wine, hot wings, flaming cheetos, Chick-Fil-A, the rest of that pizza, regret, a bottle of expired organic green juice and a protein bar
Thursday: 9 protein bars, water, and bitter memories
Friday: $3 wine, hopes and dreams, aged goldfish crackers discovered in cabinet, 2 In & Out hamburgers, more wine
Saturday: Cold soup
Sunday: Gatorade & two pieces of gum which are accidentally swallowed along with the remainder of pride & self respect
If Your Online Dating Profile Looks Like This, You Might Be Depressed
My interests: long naps in the all day, spontaneous lack of investment, investigating the peculiar disappearance of personality-defining habits, competitive games of avoidance roulette, trying to remember when I had interests, hoping interests come back someday.
My Ideal Date: Just so long as it’s in a romantic poorly lit space I cannot stress the poorly lit part enough
I’m Looking for: a comfortable place to lie down
You Should Contact Me If: you want to stress me out
If Your Google Search History Looks Like This, Depression is Likely
