Top 10: Men Who Have Approached Me

  1. Guy Approaches Me At Book Store

I assume that I am blocking his access to the multi-purpose origami finger puppet/greeting card selection, so I move to excuse myself, but he raises a finger like he’s just had a brilliant thought. He says “Excuse me, I don’t wanna bother you, but I just thought you should know– you’re really cute.”

HE is really cute. He looks just like Donald Glover, actually. This happened in LA back in 2008, before Glover became a household name, so IT COULD HAVE BEEN DONALD?

donald-glover-childish-gambino-performance-skits-snl-may-5-2018-1

(Ron Howard’s voice: “it wasn’t”)

Me: (silence)

Guy: “You have a nice day, now!”

Me: Ohh, did– aww psshh ahaha thank

Me, for the rest of my life:

oldrose

It’s been 84 Years and I’ll never let go and when I die my soul will return to that bookstore and be reunited with that guy by the handmade recycled cards who managed to be so cute and non-threatening and yet still manly and had the good sense to approach women in bookstores and apparently stole from me the gift of speech. But my heart will go on.

2. Guy Approaches Me At Gas Pump 

It is night time and we are alone. He crosses the space between our gas pumps and says with what sounds like a European accent: “Excuse me, you probably have a boyfriend.”

Do I? Is this a statement or a question? Is this guy going to murder me with the communal windshield cleaner thing?

Me (outloud): “Yes….? Yes.”

Guy: “Yes. Thought so. Not too many redheads around here.”

Because you’ve killed them all?

Guy: “And definitely not many redheads without boyfriends.”

Are boyfriends a recessive gene as well? That would explain some things.

Me (outloud): “Ha. Ha. Yes.”

We stand a few feet apart until the ticking pump clicks off.

Guy: “Well, your boyfriend is a lucky guy!”

And your girlfriend is probably a lampshade who put the lotion on her skin.

bill

He was probably into big fat girls, too.

Me: “Well, gotta go now.”

Guy: “Ok, goodnight!”

Guy starts to walk back to his car.

Me: “I have mace.”

Guy turns around.

Guy: “What’s that?”

Caught in a web of lies, I get back in my car and speed away.

3. Guy Watches Me In The DVD Store for Half an Hour, Then Approaches Me And Smiles 

He’s seriously a foot away from me and just smiling. I smile awkwardly back, pick up a used copy of Barton Fink that I think I’m gonna buy, and inch away. He turns around and circles the shelves. By some trickery, he reappears on the other side of the aisle and smiles again. I look up.

Guy: “LOVE. the. hair.”

head

I assume he means mine, but I’m not sure. Before I can clarify or thank him politely or wait for his jazz hands which seem inevitable somehow, a child materializes between us.

He has a toy laser gun.

He shoots me with it, RERERERER!

It’s very loud. The guy pats the kid on the head, satisfied, and the two of them leave together. I feel as though I’ve been hit by a smooth criminal, but I have no idea what the outcome was supposed to be. I check to make sure that I still have my wallet. I do. I buy Barton Fink, which is on sale for $3.

4. Old Man at the Pier sneaks up on me and my friend as we are looking at the ocean at night

Our moment of quiet reflection was punctured by this old dude hopping in between us and practically yelling “I LOST MY PHONE CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER”

My friend wasn’t expecting this at ALL, so she screams, alerting our nearby gentlemen friends. I gotta hand it to the guy– he was low on teeth, most likely homeless, probably 80 years old, and his pick up line didn’t actually make sense, but he really went for it.

the-most-interesting-man-in-the-world-queso-espinosa

“I don’t always approach girls in public, but when I do, I scare the crap out of them.”

Full disclosure, I just loved this pick up line so much that I had to include it, but this guy only had eyes for my friend. Some girls just have all the luck.

5. Guy Voted Most Likely To Drink Human Blood Approaches Me At A Cosplay Event

I know, I know, conventions are basically meet markets for nerds looking to get freaky.  But it’s still really jarring when the (malnourished yet otherwise) spitting image of Spider from School of Rock in a cape materializes in front of me while I’m dancing with my friend, calls me by the name of the character I am dressed as, and strokes my entire face with his freaky long nails whilst giggling to himself.

What else can I say but a thundering “Oh thank you, no, no thank you, but I think I saw Steampunk Lestat and Lolita Claudia over by the punch?”

letstat

6. (Married) Groomsman in Wedding Party I was in Approaches Me [with homemade moonshine that he had just procured from his trailer– which he took care to park on the premises of the wedding reception]

He’s been rolling his eyes at me all afternoon and had once lamented that he had not been paired with “the hot cousin”, whoever that was, but I like to think that if I contribute anything to this wedding party it is preventing this guy from cousin incest, so that’s a bright spot.

After the entire wedding party stops at this trailer full of moonshine (I swear I am not making this up), he apparently decides I am not so bad and puts his arm around me (difficult for a man two inches shorter than me but anyway).

Moonshine Guy: “Hey boobs, do ya like camping?”*

Me: “I’ve never really been camping.”

Him: “Naw. Well, I’m going camping in two days, once I get rid of this hangover. You should camp with me, boobs.”

mollyringwald

Would that I had Molly Ringwald’s talent for disdain.

Me: “You’re…. married, right?”

Him: “Are you married too? We should DEFINITELY camp and… stuff.”

After I turn him down amidst a torrent of other things I have to say to him, we have to dance together at the reception along with the rest of the processional. This is difficult for us as I do not allow him to make any physical contact, so he finally grabs his six-year-old kid from somewhere and tells this child to dance with me ’cause he’ll have to “learn about women sometime.”

* He didn’t actually SAY boobs, but he clearly wasn’t directing his camping invitation to my face.**

** I really thought this anecdote would be funny, but now I see it’s mostly sad. Hopefully the moonshine part made it worth while.

7.  Guy approaches me in a Wal Mart at 10 PM

I didn’t want to go into Wal Mart at 10 PM, but I needed food. Because I had just been to a movie by myself and I like to dress up for those events, I was wearing high-heeled boots with fringe on them, which I felt screamed GIVE ME ATTENTION AT 10 PM but then I told myself don’t be silly, don’t let worries over people saying weird things to you in Wal Mart at 10 PM keep you from the convenience of having something for breakfast in the morning. So I go in.

Almost immediately, I am spotted by a dude who reminds me of the bug guy from Silence of the Lambs*** who, like clockwork, makes a beeline (or a mothline, if you will) for me and my fringe boots. Of course, before he zeros in, he seems to think it is a sound idea to follow me around the store, keeping about an aisle’s length between us as he proceeds to not pick up a single item.

bug

Strangely, this guy’s game is a drive-by situation: once he has decided on his approach, he heads straight for me, slows down just as he gets close, mutters “Does your mom know you’re out this late at night, little girl?” (presumably at me, but without actually looking at me), pauses, then resumes his pace as he passes me.

On the one hand, totally creepy. As he moves along, though, he actually looks a little confused by what he’s said, which is reassuring, because I can’t for the life of me think how that could have been the line that had been percolating in his brain.

8. Guy Approaches Me At a Party in My Own House

My roommates were once very indiscriminate about their friends (obviously, they liked me, so I benefited from that), and one day we have a big party and a few of those friends show up. This guy is apparently so besotted by the fact that I have written an internet article about The Great Gatsby (a book he thought he had read once) that he leaves the party only to drunkenly return late at night when the soiree has been pared down to just two of us very tired party people.

He then proceeds to eat leftovers, shake my electronic devices in frustration (because they were not Beats by Dre, and literally all electronics must be Beats by Dre. Somehow. Does Dr. Dre make cellphones?), and then sit on me.

I think he asks me out somewhere in there, but the slickness of that proposition is definitely lost in the wake of him poking my stomach and informing me I am going to have a “girl baby, a boy baby, and a transgender baby” one day. A pick-up tactic I shan’t soon forget.

The Great Gatsby_Mia Farrow_Robert Redford

“Let’s not invite THAT guy again.”

Literally no other dude has ever approached me at a party, and I have so many questions about etiquette now.

9. Guy Sort of Approaches Me On a Pathway At School

This guy, probably an undergrad, has been walking in front of me for a couple of blocks. When he comes to his turn-off, he stops and stands aside and looks at me and smiles. But he smiles like, real big. I smile politely back and continue my uneventful walk to my vehicle or perhaps the nearest snack machine in search of Flamin Cheetos, but the little guy just grins at me like he’s suppressing the best joke ever until he can’t anymore and just throws out the punchline– “I like your HAIR, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

eraserhead-613x463

My hairdo brings all the boys to the yard.

You can bet I quickly-yet-casually make my way to a mirror to see what is happening on my head, but my hair is styled as usual.

I cannot tell you how this encounter has haunted my self esteem. I still hear the laughter each time I pick up a hairbrush. It’s like I’m Clarice Starling and he’s the lamb that never stops laugh-screaming. At my hair cut.

10. Guy Approaches Me at the Library

While helping out at my local library, I encounter their special guest for the children’s program that day.

As I hold the door open for him, he looks at me and smiles (well, he has a painted on smile so he literally can’t frown but still, VIBES).

“I love your red hair,” he says. “You and I have alot in common. We should kick it sometime.”

He was Ronald McDonald.

ronald

 

***I am only just now realizing that my interactions with guys draw way too many comparisons to Silence of the Lambs. I have much soul-searching to do.

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