My Mother Describes Film Plots

timothee

Lady Bird: A teen girl has sex with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend tells her he wasn’t a virgin, but she thought he was! She’s upset. He says it’s not a big deal. He’s not a nice guy!!!!

Greatest Showman: When Hugh Jackman is a little boy and falls in love with the little girl their song is so cute! I don’t know where they find children with such beautiful voices.

Darkest Hour: Churchill had NO support and no friends and no one was there for him!

fran

3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri: Frances McDormand has gotten SO WEIRD. She was always weird, but now she’s REALLY WEIRD. She’s married to a Coen Brother, so I think that explains it. I won’t watch anymore Coen Brother movies because I didn’t like the one where Brad Pitt got shot in the face. That was so shocking! I don’t like it when movies try to shock me. True Grit was okay.

Note: I always remind my mother that I WARNED HER not to watch Burn After Reading. But does she listen to me?

Get Out: This nice black guy has to deal with all of these creepy people. It’s like… The Stepford Honkies. It’s still scary though. The beginning is the scariest part, but it’s also scary when the girl eats cereal.

Tomb Raider (2018): The one without boobs.

cat

Man Called Ove: If you’re ever loved like Ove loved the lady he loved, you will be a lucky woman. There’s also a cat, so you’ll like that. Here, look at the cat. It’s such a pretty cat, right? You’ll like it. I don’t want to spoil it, but maybe Ove and the cat become friends.

IT: A movie about demons preying on children that I do not need to see. I think Stephen King had a hard upbringing. I think he hates God.

Daddy’s Home 2: The real dad and the stepdad are jealous of each other, but it’s really cute because they work together! And then Will Ferrel’s dad is John Lithgow and it’s sweet how they love each other. There’s some tension between the mom and the stepmom, though, and you KNOW that’s just gonna blow up. Mel Gibson is there too, but I know you’ll never forgive him. *Heavy sigh*

Mad Max: Fury Road: The Mad Max movie without Mel Gibson.

culture

Black Panther: An African king saves the world! His sister is like Q in the James Bond movies, but the movie should be about her because she does everything. There’s a guy with a plate in his lip, that was distracting, I don’t know why he was there. I can’t remember if he did anything now. It would probably be hard for him to do anything because of the giant plate in his lip.

Polka King: It’s this movie on Netflix that you HAVE to see. Jack Black, you can’t help but like him. There’s one part where he runs away and you think he’s running away but he’s not actually running away, it’s so sweet.

Call Me By Your Name: The Gay Sex in Europe movie.

Blade Runner 2049: I liked the first one better, but this one is about a new guy who has Harrison Ford’s old job and he might not be a robot, he might be a robot Jesus. There’s a sex scene that’s just too weird, the first movie is better.

madea

Madea Goes To Jail: Tyler Perry goes to jail and starts twerking and says he can sense his “inner ho,” it’s just so wrong. Don’t laugh at that, that’s in such poor taste.

Isle of Dogs: A claymation movie about dogs. It looks weird and I think Wes Anderson likes to kill animals.

The Commuter: A really good movie about Liam Neeson on a train (but it’s not as good as the Taken movies) and this train conductor who says the funniest stuff. You’ll laugh. It’s not a comedy, though.

tonya

 I, Tonya: It’s about Tonya Harding and all that stuff that happened in the 90’s. I saw an interview with her on TV and she was like “can people STOP asking me about that stuff that happened in the 90’s?” and I was like you go, girl!

Wonder: *Cries*

 

Bonus Material, here’s an actual text from my mom about the Oscars this year:

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