QUIZ: Are You Pregnant, Normal, or Dying of a Horrible Disease?

 

Sometimes it’s just hard for a girl to figure out what’s going on with her own body.  And ovaries?  Making sense?  Forget about it!

If you’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately and are tired of not knowing what’s going on in that charming-yet-trying body of yours, we’ve got the quiz for you.  (After all, with all the hullabaloo in the healthcare world right now, getting to a doctor is proving a little tricky, isn’t it?  And don’t even get us started on the hypochondria-inducing world of Web MD.  Who needs that aggravation?)

We’ve gotten our experts together to create the quiz below, based on internet research and real science.  Answer each question as honestly as possible for a near perfect diagnosis!

 

Your period is…

  • A little late
  • A lot late
  • I don’t get periods so it’s really hard to tell
  • Normal as the day is long (i.e., annoyingly inconvenient and painful)

 

How’s your appetite?

  • Peckish at best
  • I’m having weird cravings for things I never liked before
  • Haven’t really noticed a change lately
  • I could eat a herd of carnivorous bison

 

Water intake?

  • It’s stayed pretty normal
  • I’m constantly feeling dehydrated. It’s like there’s a water evaporator machine in my mouth
  • Water honestly sort of makes me want to barf right now, weirdly
  • Dwarfed by my caffeine and alcohol intake, if we’re being honest

 

On a scale of “1 to I’m Asleep Right Now,” how tired are you?

  • I’ve been having a pretty hard time sleeping lately
  • I can’t stop falling asleep. Yesterday the light was red for a little too long and I swear I started dreaming
  • No major changes to report
  • I’m EXHAUSTED. I’m rocking some Winona Ryder in Stranger Things vibes, hardcore.

 

How are the girls holding up?

  • Feeling fine!
  • A little tender, come to think of it
  • They’re looking a little bigger than usual, but I think that’s because I’ve put on some weight lately
  • WHY DO THEY HURT MAKE IT STOP

 

How frequently do you find yourself needing to take a bathroom break?

  • I can make it a few hours
  • Not so much lately. Probably like two or three times a day?  I don’t know.  This is getting personal.
  • I just had to take a break right now. Had to pee like a RACEHORSE.
  • Peeing sort of hurts right now, so I try to avoid it

 

Have you experienced any vertigo or nausea today?

  • Nope, feeling right as rain
  • I’ve had some headaches lately, but that may just be due to stress.  Or caffeine levels.  Or lack of sleep.  I don’t know.  It’s pretty normal, really
  • I threw up this morning
  • Not vertigo or nausea, but I have been hearing a lot of weird sounds lately that nobody else seems to hear.  Sooooo, not sure what that’s about

 

If you’ve taken a pregnancy test within the past few days, what was the result?

  • Negative – but I got the test from the dollar store, so who knows
  • Double negative.  Took the test twice.  But I might have missed the stick.  I don’t know.  It was stressful.
  • I might have passed out on the bathroom floor mid-test so I’m not totally sure what the result was. Bathroom floor’s been cleaned, though
  • No recent tests to report

 

Go with us for a minute – have you noticed any change in your hair and/or skin?

  • I’m breaking out like a 12 year old
  • I’ve been losing a lot of hair in the shower lately. But maybe I’m just getting old, early?
  • Nope, no changes to report
  • My hair and skin are both incredibly healthy lately.  It’s weird.  I’m kind of glowing

 

How many times in the past week have you googled a strange symptom you’ve been experiencing?

  • I don’t research. Internet quizzes are my go-to for knowledge
  • A few times. I try and take the search results with a few grains of salt, though
  • Between 5-20 times. I’m a curious person, okay?
  • I’ve literally googled EVERYTHING about myself and nothing is making sense HELP

 

Please scroll down for quiz results.

 

 

 

 

 

 

… CALCULATING RESULTS …

 

 

 

 

 

 

Based on your answers, we are not entirely sure of your diagnosis.  It seems that the early symptoms for pregnancy, disease, disorders, and the sedentary lifestyle of most 20-somethings with bad eating/sleeping habits are just a little too close to tell apart.  We suggest one or more of the following courses of action:

  1. Wait 7-9 months. If a baby arrives at the end of that time, congratulations!  You were pregnant!
  2. Go see a medical professional and get tested, specifically for cancer, diabetes, and/or liver failure.
  3. Start eating healthier foods and trying to get to sleep before 3am.

 

Honestly, any one of these three actions may solve your problem.  We’re not really sure.  But, uh… good luck?

 

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