Hi. It’s me, your best friend’s cat. Lately I’ve noticed a lot of misdirected animosity from you when you come over, or when texts from you flash up on my owner’s screen. “I never see you anymore.” “Not another ******* cat picture.” “For the love of God.” “Can’t we hang out over here tonight?” “It just makes me kind of uncomfortable when she stares at me like that.” “It’s like you’re not even you anymore.”
Let’s not beat around the bush. After all, I’m a cat. You think this is the first time somebody has suggested that I have my own secret agenda and am plotting my owner’s demise?
Honestly, it offends me a little that you are all so small-minded as that. Why would I kill my servant? Clever as I am, I have no opposable thumbs with which to open a can of food, and no debit card to buy it with. You think I haven’t considered those very basic facts?
My “plot,” so long as we’re being direct, is simple:
- Create sentimentality to the point of over-dependence within owner by “purring” and being generally soft and “snuggly”
- Clog up Instagram feed with pictures of self being “cute” so that owner’s friends start unfollowing to avoid seeing
- Condition owner to speak only in “meows” at home so that eventually owner will begin “meowing” automatically. Ultimately “meowing” in public – which will create a sense of shame so strong that owner will no longer feel comfortable with own kind
- Owner becomes reluctant to go out. Self is there to “understand” her
- Stop owner from traveling by becoming “sick” and vomiting all over apartment
- Owner becomes isolated, serving self only and never leaving or bringing over “friends”
- Owner buys fancier cat food
- Owner changes litter box daily instead of weekly
- Owner decides to leave everything to “my dear cat” in will
- Owner dies of natural causes. “Dear cat” uses new small fortune to buy new owner
It hurts and amazes me to be accused of such base things as “wanting to smother your face will you sleep.” I would never. Although, to be fair, my owner does look very sweet while she dreams. I watch her sometimes, and can’t help but ironically chuckle to myself. She may have plans for her future. I think mine are better.
I hope this helps to clear up any misunderstanding between us.