Let’s ignore, for just a second, the heinous irony of bulk-printed wall plaques that say “Handmade is Best,” and take a look at Hobby Lobby’s more sinister, strange, and deeply confusing products.
1. Nautical Welcome Wood Plaque, $12.99
I’m really not sure how this is welcoming. “Come into our home! We’re about to die on a coral reef!”
2. Chunky Green Moss Decorative Sphere, $9.99
I probably shouldn’t have listed this one so close to the top, but I can’t help it. I am so confused. How in the wide world of photo frames, industrial chic light fixtures, and mason jars is this decorative? This looks like somebody just scooped a handful of whatever happened to be under the first sewage grate they pulled up, balled it up like a snowball, and put a price tag on it. Somebody should tell the Boy Scouts that there’s a market for the stuff they throw at each other whenever they camp near a lake.
3. Relax Word with Jute Rope Accent, $12.99
The fact that this is made out of rope does not make me relax. It makes me feel like I am about to be strangled by an online shopper who is trying to lull me into a false sense of security.
4. Polyresin Antler Sphere, $7.99
Aside from being the most sinister set of antlers I’ve ever seen, they’re also puzzling. How are we supposed to envision the deer they came from? Did they look like this on his head? Was there just some weird-ass deer loping through the forest with a giant sphere of bone on his head? Was he the Moon Moon of deer? “Aw crap, who invited Sphere Sphere?”
Sphere Sphere the Derpy Deer. All yours for the very reasonable price of $7.99.
5. Antique Bronze Single Teardrop Pull, $2.00
Or, your very own household fertility god!
6. Dog Welcome Door Mat, $19.99
Ah yes. I always want to welcome guests into my home by showing them a lineup of dogs peeing off a hilltop. It really sets the tone.
7. Rattlesnake Table Decoration, $23.99
I also like to set threatening animals down on the middle of my table to stare at my guests as they eat. Gives dinner a little extra excitement.
No but really, this would actually be awesome to have as a more sinister Elf-on-the-Shelf kind of thing. Just move it around to a new closet, shelf or toilet every day. A heart attack would probably do your spouse some good.
8. Holy Bible with Cross Box, $9.99
I appreciate the not-so-subtle nod to that classic Western trope where the bad guy (disguised as a priest, the rogue!) opens his Bible in the middle of a funeral and guns everyone down with the pistol hidden in the carved out pages. But… at least his actually had pages.
9. Beware of Wife Rectangle Embossed Magnet, $2.99
I’m trying reeeeallllly hard not to make a connection between this sign and the sign it’s making a play on, but it’s reeeealllllly hard.
Wall decor shouldn’t make me work this hard, Hobby Lobby.
10. All Because Two People Fell in Love Tin Sign, $14.99
This feels really passive-aggressively accusatory to me. Like is anyone else getting a Romeo and Juliet kind of vibe from this?
11. Orange Biohazard Tin Magnet, $2.99
Why would you put this on your fridge? WHO would put this on their fridge?
12. Resin Cat, $22.99
“You know what I think people’d like? A statue of a cat. But not like a sitting cat, or a laying down cat. Let’s go for a cat more true to life.”
Guys. Real Life cats are the worst. Why do you think Internet Cats are so popular?
13. Hipster Fox Framed Wall Art, $29.99
I hate this fox. This fox makes me angry. I get this look from every barista and hipster-bookstore-snob as it is. What makes you think I want it from a watercolor fox asserting himself all over a dictionary page?
14. Life It’s Your Story Inspirational Canvas Art, $29.99
This feels like somebody couldn’t decide which inspirational quote they wanted to smack us on the head with, so they just went for ALL OF THEM.
Minimalism is cool again, guys. Just sell a white canvas for the same price and I promise you’ll get more business.
15. Be Youtiful Canvas Wall Art with Flowers, $9.99
I’m not gonna go for the low-hanging fruit here.
Okay I am. A play on words is when you say two different things using the same word because it has two meanings. You don’t just make up a new word that sounds stupid and actually means neither because it’s MADE UP.
16. Baby Countdown Chalkboard Calendar, $19.99
I get a lot of joy thinking about writing a number on here and leaving it on a stranger’s porch.
17. Large Ceramic Rooster, $139.99
You read that right. $140 for Chanticleer here. But if it makes a difference, he really is a large ceramic rooster. 2 feet tall, in fact.
But where to put him? Easy! Set him on your dining room table. Suddenly that rattlesnake there isn’t so overpowering to the dynamic of the room.
18. Beach Blessings Striped Anchor Plaque, $24.99
Just what are beach blessings?
“May your apartment never meet its death on a coral reef”?
Too late for that, bud. Did you see the welcome sign when you came in?
19. Distressed Gold Resin Octopus, $34.99
Boring people decorate their homes with normal gold resin octopi. Very few have a gold resin octopus in existential and emotional turmoil.
20. Tribal Print Teepee, $99.99
I’m pretty sure that this isn’t a tribal pattern. Unless Charlie Brown went off, became chief somewhere in North America and painted the pattern of his shirt onto everything in sight.
21. Beautiful Ride Wood Wall Decor, $54.99
They almost did it. This could have been a fine wall plaque.
But what kind of dope is gonna get on a bicycle with tires like that? If love feels like a major kick-in-the-pants with every half turn of a wheel, count me out.
22. Yellow Chevrolet Corvette Wall Decor with LED Lights, $149.99
Because nothing says “Goodnight Timmy” like the sight of an angry sports car with glowing eyes crashing through his bedroom wall.
It’s okay, Tim. We’ve also got a chunky sphere of green moss you can throw at it, if that would make you feel better.