It’s four days after Christmas, and the votes are in! Parents and grandparents everywhere are wondering how they scored on the gifts they gave to that special millennial in their life. Well, folks, wonder no more. Here are the
TOP PRESENTS FOR MILLENNIALS OF 2016
13. The Gift of One Less Monthly Payment to Make: in the form of a handmade coupon with the words “You Can Stay On The Family Car Insurance Policy This Year” printed on the front.
12. A handbook of the most updated socially and politically correct words for everything. Nice job on this one, but be sure to give them an updated edition for their birthday, as this current one will most likely be out of print in a few weeks.
11. Keeping in The Know: this special news app was insanely popular this year. Users are greeted each morning with a bullet point list of the current events they need to know about – each stated in a single headline. They can be up to date and avoid having to deal with those pesky, informational, context-saturated, “tl;dr”-inducing articles!
10. Man-bun scrunchies. Bonus points if you picked the ones with grass and wood patterns on them.
9. A sheet of “organic” stickers. We all want to be more ethically minded when it comes to the goods we consume, but let’s face it: who can afford that? These “organic” stickers allow your millennial to feel better about the things in their life with one easy peel-and-stick. No more researching, no more hassle!
8. Wooden watches. Since millennials only need their phones to tell the time, these decorative wooden watches are a great way to decorate the wrist and prove how much they love the environment. And best of all, the wood used to make these watches has been scavenged from landfills and city dumps – no trees injured in the process!
7. A flat of mason jars. It doesn’t even matter what they’re for. Your millennial will find a use for them, and you get the benefit of looking hip and trendy.
6. Car air fresheners made out of actual herbs. Your millennial will lose their minds about this one. Naturally scented items are the last place their friends would think to look for a functional purpose. Originality FTW!
5. Homemade crop tops. Have the perfect shirt, but it does that annoying thing where it actually reaches the pant-line? One word, my friends: scissors.
4. No-Drop iPhone case. These iPhone cases come with rings on the back so that your millennial never has to lose immediate skin contact with their screen.
3. Bookends that look like real rocks. These rock-look-alike bookends have been hand crafted from objects found in the landfills and dumps of America’s largest cities. No two are exactly alike, and everyone will be convinced that they are actual rocks!
2. One month’s payment of a student loan. It sounds simple and uninteresting to you, but is guaranteed to land your millennial in a puddle of grateful tears.
1. A book of protective spells to be cast on their celebrity of choice as 2016 winds to a close. News of successful protection spell casting has yet to come through, but millennials are – if nothing else – a hopeful bunch.
Christmas 2017 is still a long ways off, but rumors are already circulating of what may just be the top gift of the year: money to put towards rent of a home with no shared walls. Stay tuned!