Since high school, I’ve been an on-and-off nanny for several different families in several different states and countries. I’ve worked with kids ranging from 3 months old (not much talking there) to 11 years old (too much talking, probably). Now, I’m a pretty good nanny. I don’t put up with the maniacal crap kids like to dish out. But even the best of nannies get burned sometimes.
[Child watches as I stand up with Baby to get her bottle]
Child: Are you going to feed her from your boobies?
Me: Nope, only your mom can do that.
Child: So, what’s wrong with yours?
Child: You’re a grown-up?
Child: Did you go to college?
Me: Yes I did.
Child: Are you married?
Child: Do you have crackers?
Me: Um, no…
Child: [walks away]
Child: I love you.
Me: Oh, that’s so sweet! I love you, too.
Child: I love bad guys more!
Me: Okay, it’s been a long time since I played ‘Monopoly,’ so you’re gonna have to explain some things.
Child: [sighs heavily] I can’t explain this to an American.
[On a walk with two siblings. Child #1 kept yelling “RACE!” and taking off running. Child #2 finally threw a tantrum because he couldn’t keep up]
Me: Someday soon you’re going to grow big, and then you’ll be winning races! And [Child #1] will win some, and you’ll win some. And when you win, she’ll say “Good job!” And when she wins, you’ll say “Good job!” You just have to be patient. You’ll grow up big, trust me.
Child #2: I’ll get big?
Me: That’s right. Big and fast.
Child #2: [Grinning horribly through red eyes and tears] And [Child #1] won’t grow AT ALL!
[Child is showing me her sketchbook full of drawings of fancy princess dresses]
Child: I want to go to a dress store and hire them to make me this dress. And this one. And this one… and this one… and – not that. That’s a zombie heart I drew. You can have that.
[I’m driving two brothers down the street, and we pass a man walking shirtless]
Child #2: That guy has no pants!
Me: He was wearing pants – pants are what you put on your legs, remember? He just wasn’t wearing a shirt.
Child #2: Oh.
Child #1: What that means, [Child #2] , is basically, it’s an invitation to all the single ladies. [To me] Wanna talk to him?
Me [for the millionth time]: [Child #2], come over here right now and put your shoes on.
Child #2 [running away]: Save me from the evil beast!
Child #1: She’s not an evil beast. She’s just having growing pains.
[Driving a child in my 1997 Honda Civic]
Child: This car is so old.
Me: It’s not that old.
Child: Can it turn into a helicopter?
Me: Um, no.
Child: Told you it was old.
[Child has been bossing me around all day and I finally sit him down to talk about it]
Me: It’s okay to have feelings about what you want someone to do, but you need to ask them nicely to do it, not tell them to do it.
[5 minutes later]
Me: Sit on your bum while you eat.
Child: Ask me.
Child: Let’s pretend we have dinosaurs for pets. Mine will be named Diane, and Charlie, and Don, and Tim.
Me: What’s mine’s name?
Child: Black Abyss.