Artifacts From My Childhood, Part 2

Are you ready for another selection of items from my childhood collection of weirdness? Relax and enjoy.

If you missed part one, you can catch up on the backlog here.

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“Document In Which The Author Expresses Her Desperation For A Feline” Age 8

I have needs, okay? And all of my very pressing childhood angst can be easily resolved by a cat. Come to think of it, all of my very pressing adult angst can also be easily resolved by a cat.

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“Crayola Of A Magic Fountain” Age 6

The ballerina makes it magical, the carefully drawn on/off switch makes it practical.

 

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“Cover/Title of Author’s Manuscript” Age 8-9

I was nothing if not humble.

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“Toy Story On Pink Paper: In Which One-Handed Woody Is More Interested In His Mini Washboard Than Interacting With Bo Peep” Age 7

Yet another for my collection of modern romance interpretations in which the male object of affection has better things to do than talk to girls. I feel like my therapist might have much to say about this. If I had a therapist. Maybe I should get a therapist.

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“Potentially Racially Offensive Adventure Book About Enslaved Chinese Women Being Whipped While They Work By A Literal Giant” Age 7

In my defense, I recall this being vaguely connected with my viewing of The King and I, in which performers from Siam give their theatrical interpretation of Uncle Tom’s Cabin, which was probably culturally confusing to me at the time. That’s one muscular Siamese slave-owner though, right?

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“Alternate Sketching Scene from Titanic: The Censored Version” Age 9

Titanic had just come out and everyone I knew had seen it but me. Of course, some kid I knew was all agog about the nude scene and told me all about it. Intrigued by the movie, I proposed my own version which would contain much less nudity.

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“Rough Draft Of A Story Starring Harrison Ford And A Toaster” Age 11?

There was a period in which I didn’t know what screenwriting was, so I would make my friends help me come up with stories that were required to star my favorite actors at the time. Who wouldn’t want Harrison to pop out of their toaster singing a song?

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“Alternate Movie Poster For The Fugitive Starring TY Beanie Babies” Age 12?

Another potential poster for my reimagining of a 90’s classic that I had probably just been allowed to see. Note the R-rating: things get gritty when you’re twelve.

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“List Of Things The Artist Liked” Age 11

I don’t remember who “Luke Lakey” was, but he was certainly not MY boyfriend. MY boyfriend was Sean Connery, who rocks. Babysitting and butterfly stuff (see: clips) also rock.

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“Handling Your Ups And Downs: A 70’s Manifesto OR How My Mother Tried To Teach Me About Feelings”

I think my mom got this from a garage sale. Inside, along with the usual run down about how emotions work and stuff, was a series of activity pages that I half-way filled out, mainly to complain about that one time I went over to my “friend’s” house and they were mean. Turning emotion into gossip since ’87, everybody.

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“A Thorough List Of Quotes From The Star Wars Films” Age 12-13

Pre-IMDB, I took it upon myself to compile the memorable sayings from the Star Wars Trilogy. Sadly, I gave up on this idea too soon. I could, by this time, very well be as rich as the IMDB mogul, whoever that is.

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“Graphic Novel Panel In Which The Cop And The Criminal Are Unhappy But The Wrongfully Imprisoned Dude Appears Psychotically Pleased Behind Bars” Age 6?

I enjoy the fact that this work appears to have a very British feel– has that Copper stumbled upon a top-hat-wearing Jack The Ripper? Also, can we just appreciate my use of split screens here?

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“Agents Mulder & Scully in Barbie Form, With Killer Hair” Age 10

The first things I ever convinced my mother to help me buy through Ebay. I mainly wanted them because of their official FBI badges– I was into playing “secret agent” and M&S gave the game that extra element of believability.

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“Fashion Design In Which The Designer Expresses Her Understanding Of The Value of Branding” Age 13

I was really into old movies, so when I went through my brief fashion designer phase my goal was to make clothes that suited the modern woman’s needs by directly replicating the famous styles of the past. Accessories included, apparently.

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“Journal Entry In Which The Author Expresses Her Enthusiasm for The Lone Star State” Age 8

I have no idea what I meant by the “Bearing Barnetts” but it’s awfully cute to see documentation of my enthusiasm for what would be 3 days spent in a Uhaul. Also, very helpful of me to indicate on a world map the location of my destination. Yeehaw indeed.

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“Diary Entry In Which The Author Carefully Considers Cinema With Stickers” Age 7

Do you even know what movie Aladdin is? It doesn’t have Pocahontas in it, just so you know.

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“Portrait With Impish Girl From Florida Who Never Responded To My Letters” Age 6?

Lace was in, and so was friendship. The upside of being a kid who liked to write and draw was that letters were easy, the downside was that other kids didn’t share my penchant for communicating. Michelle with the last name that I can’t remember, if you’re out there, friend me on facebook or something. I hope you’re still devious-looking.

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“Author’s Novella: To Minee Kittens [sic]”, Age 6

Are you sensing a theme of my childhood yet?

Also, I’m pretty sure that this title was ironic; my thesis was unquestionably that one could never have “to minee” kittens.

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“Artist’s Rendering Of The Velveteen Rabbit” Age 5

I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying.

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“Book Cover Of Meet Crystal: The American Girl Who Didn’t Make The Cut” Age 11

Crystal was apparently a smug golem. Maybe that’s why I never heard back from the Pleasant Company.

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“Snails Have A Hard Life” Age 5

Going downhill is hard when you’re a snail wearing lipstick.

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“The First CD Album From Author’s Collection” Age 12

I don’t wanna talk about how I knew all the words to Goldfinger by age 13, but I DO miss shopping at Sam Goody.

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“Piece In Which The Author Tries For A Vaudevillian Style Of Joke-telling” Age 6

Again with the cats. You must be supper-stishies if you don’t like cats, people. Incidentally, “superstitious” remains a difficult word to spell to this day.

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