Everything Cicadas Are Horrible For

You are almost too big to be considered a bug.  You are encroaching on small mammal territory, and you have way too many legs for that to be okay

You literally emerge from the ground screaming

You look like an alien.  Are you a bug?  A tadpole?  WHAT?!

The earliest fossil of you comes from nearly 300 million years ago, and that is way too long for you to be haunting the nights with your horrible sounds

Some of you are 17 years old, and some of you are 13 years old.  Either way, you’re a teenager and it’s time for you to shut up

Sometimes you have multicolored eyes, but most of the time they’re red.  Red eyes = demons

You have a fungus STD which means you are nasty

You have FIVE EYES.  WHY do you have FIVE EYES it’s TOO MANY

Sometimes you kill trees, so you are clearly no friend of the earth and should probably just be smashed

Some of you can be 3 inches long, with wingspans of 7-8 inches.  You are terrifying but KNOW THIS: if you ever land on me I will kill first and scream later

In one Greek myth, Zeus grants Tithonus immortality but not eternal youth.  He ages and becomes decrepit but does it end there NO IT DOES NOT he turns into a cicada.  He literally becomes so disgusting that the human form is no longer FIT for him, but YOURS IS.  What does that tell us?

Humans begin to experience pain from sound at the 110 decibel level.  A swarm of you can produce sounds up to 120 decibels.  You are scientifically louder than a rock concert, and we hate you for it

Stop landing on the side of my building.  It is not a tree, and you can’t come inside

Your wings in flight sound like a fighter plane and I always expect to die when I hear them

You are tadpole demons of the night and I grow weary of sharing air with you.  It’s high time one of us laid some eggs in a tree and died, and friend, it ain’t gonna be me

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