I will probably never have kids. I mean, I reserve the option of changing my mind, but as a currently single person babies seem generally unlikely. Also, kids are terrifying.
They’re cool when they get to be about 5, when they can sort of hold a conversation (even if that conversation is mainly about food or My Little Pony or whatever), but prior to that I’m not even sure what to make of them.
But what’s the coolest thing about having kids? Yeah. Naming them.
Thus, here are a few baby names that I love but will never use, and will certainly never give any child any kind of complex. These are up for grabs, because if you’re reading this you must be cool enough to approach baby-naming with an open mind.
Mother and Father— If you have twins, you should name them Mother and Father, and speak to them as you’d speak to a mother & father (only really nicely). This is a great experiment, and I have no idea why no one has thought of it yet.
Sherlock— Why does no one name their child this? It’s so unusual that it’s gender-neutral, and if you pick this one you’ll probably be showered with all kinds of super cute Arthur Conan Doyle-themed baby stuff from Etsy, if your friends are cool. A Holmes baby mobile, maybe, featuring dangling plush magnifying glasses and potential murder weapons? Awesome. A stuffed Baskerville Hound? Sweet. And so many hats. You know the kind I mean.
Sure, your kid might feel pressured to be super-smart, but they’d have a ready-made catch phrase for the school playground. You know the one I mean.
Argyle— My friend thinks I’m really weird for thinking this is a sweet name, but I definitely know of at least one person named this in the world. I’m not sure if it’s actually short for something in that person’s case, but I also don’t know what it could be short for.
If you have twins, you can name the other one Houndstooth.
Sure, your kids might feel the need to dress really well (or just avoid the fabric store altogether), but if it’s okay for Gwyneth to name her kid after a fruit then I see naming your child after a pattern generally spotted on socks to be far more stylish. And what never goes out of style? ARGYLE.
Potato— On the subject of Gwyneth and her naming habits, why would you name your daughter a fruit that no one likes in their salad when you can name her after something that actually always tastes awesome?
Give me one example of a potato food that is not awesome. That’s right, you can’t. Plus, once little Tater starts learning how to talk, you know how to teach him his name.
Kitty–Yeah, it’s the name of the saloon madame from Gunsmoke, but she’s really nice, right? Also, this is the perfect name if you’ve always wanted a cat but ended up with a baby instead.
ADD— Kids love the letter nickname thing. RJ, BJ, BB, GH. Easy to recall, easy to spell. More importantly, though, in case you didn’t know, according to every magazine I’ve ever read, like 99% of kids are ADD these days. In ten years it’ll probably be 100%, so why not make your job easier and call a spade a spade?
Imagine the fun you’ll have when your child’s elementary school teacher tries to break the news to you that your kid is ADD. Way to turn a parenting “problem” into pure comedy gold, Abbot and Costello style. “Look at that kid on first. She’s so ADD.” “Darn right she’s ADD.” You might consider it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I’d call it giving yourself less to remember.
Connery— This has been my favorite name since I was 11 and started watching James Bond movies. I dig it when people have first names that sound like last names, and there are just too many Connors out there, right? So why not make it interesting by naming your child after the coolest Bond that there ever was?
Bonus points if you teach them to speak in the appropriate accent. You know the one I mean.