The 13 Stages Of Moving, As Explained By A History Of Western Art

1. The Decision: Byzantine

My current apartment is doing nothing for my political – I mean spiritual – life. Time for a big move!

2. First Hopes And Dreams About The New Apartment: Gothic

Not super concerned with what the new place looks like, but it’s gotta be sturdy and made out of something nice. Jewel tones are a must.

3. Edging Away From Rigid Expectations: Early Renaissance

You know what, super nice places are boring, and probably a little out of my budget. But this little attic apartment over the liquor store is tres char-ment.

4. Unreasonable Expectations About Self As Designer Take Hold: High Renaissance

Cool, I signed the lease! And you know what, screw all those other fancy apartments I looked at. This one is gonna be everything I liked about THOSE, except BETTER because it’s ME and it’s NOW.

5. Possibly Illegal Treatment Of The Lease, or, What The Landlord Doesn’t Know Doesn’t Hurt Him, or, If It Ain’t Baroque …

Wait wait wait, ok. I think this apartment needs more movement. How about we blast this wall out, move the doorway over here, fill this in, change the counter top, and put a FOUNTAIN in the middle?!

6. Things Get Playful: Rococo

I WANT AN ACCENT WALL.

7. Class It Up In Here: Neoclassicism

Ok, so maybe things are getting a little too crazy. I’ll hang THIS. Saw it on my hipster friend’s iPhone case. Looks like a thing a seriously smart person would hang. I think that’s Abe Lincoln checking the French lady out. Cool.

8. Unpacking: Romanticism

Ohhhhhh man. I remember when this photo was taken. Back in my other apartment… with my friend who lived next door … Seems so long ago now.

9. Getting Analytical: Impressionism

Everything about the lighting in here is wrong.

10. Exhaustion And Emotional Overcharge Begin To Take A Toll: German Expressionism

THESE BOXES WILL NEVER BE UNPACKED AND LIFE IS RUINED

11. Lose Perspective To Gain It: Cubism

I think I just need some distance. Yeah. Distance. And when I come back, I’ll be able to identify the problems better and find solutions.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be out sailing on Lake Michigan.

12. Sudden Clarity About What’s Important In A Home: Dada

WHOA, EPIPHANY. You GUYS. What if a home ISN’T a home. Like a house, I mean. What if we’re not SUPPOSED to live in houses? What if we’re supposed to rebel against the whole, you know, housing THING.