The 13 Stages Of Moving, As Explained By A History Of Western Art

 

1.  The Decision: Byzantine

My current apartment is doing nothing for my political – I mean spiritual – life.  Time for a big move!

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2.  First Hopes And Dreams About The New Apartment: Gothic

Not super concerned with what the new place looks like, but it’s gotta be sturdy and made out of something nice.  Jewel tones are a must.

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3.  Edging Away From Rigid Expectations: Early Renaissance

You know what, super nice places are boring, and probably a little out of my budget.  But this little attic apartment over the liquor store is tres char-ment.

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4.  Unreasonable Expectations About Self As Designer Take Hold: High Renaissance 

Cool, I signed the lease!  And you know what, screw all those other fancy apartments I looked at.  This one is gonna be everything I liked about THOSE, except BETTER because it’s ME and it’s NOW.

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5.  Possibly Illegal Treatment Of The Lease, or, What The Landlord Doesn’t Know Doesn’t Hurt Him, or, If It Ain’t Baroque …

Wait wait wait, ok.  I think this apartment needs more movement.  How about we blast this wall out, move the doorway over here, fill this in, change the counter top, and put a FOUNTAIN in the middle?!

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6.  Things Get Playful: Rococo

I WANT AN ACCENT WALL.

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7.  Class It Up In Here: Neoclassicism 

Ok, so maybe things are getting a little too crazy.  I’ll hang THIS.  Saw it on my hipster friend’s iPhone case.  Looks like a thing a seriously smart person would hang.  I think that’s Abe Lincoln checking the French lady out.  Cool.

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8.  Unpacking: Romanticism

Ohhhhhh man.  I remember when this photo was taken.  Back in my other apartment… with my friend who lived next door …  Seems so long ago now.

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9.  Getting Analytical: Impressionism

Everything about the lighting in here is wrong.

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10.  Exhaustion And Emotional Overcharge Begin To Take A Toll: German Expressionism

THESE BOXES WILL NEVER BE UNPACKED AND LIFE IS RUINED

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11.  Lose Perspective To Gain It: Cubism

I think I just need some distance.  Yeah.  Distance.  And when I come back, I’ll be able to identify the problems better and find solutions.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be out sailing on Lake Michigan.

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12.  Sudden Clarity About What’s Important In A Home: Dada

WHOA, EPIPHANY.  You GUYS.  What if a home ISN’T a home.  Like a house, I mean.  What if we’re not SUPPOSED to live in houses?  What if we’re supposed to rebel against the whole, you know, housing THING.

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13.  Minimalism

If anyone needs me, I’ll be living in this yurt.

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2 thoughts on “The 13 Stages Of Moving, As Explained By A History Of Western Art

  1. Pingback: Playing Real Good For Free – Vagabond Homebody

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