[door closes]
“Alright, Mary, how many today?”
“Twenty-seven, sir”
“Good, good”
[glasses clinking, liquid pouring]
“Here”
“Thank you sir”
“Read away”
“Applicant graduated last May”
“New grad! Bottoms up.”
[shots taken]
“Major: Philosophy.”
“Useless major! Another shot!”
“GPA: 4.0”
“Sucker who believes in the grading system! Another shot, and some water, Mary”
“Yes sir”
[brief silence; both contemplate window]
“Read on, Mary”
“Last paid job: Starbucks”
“HAHAHAHA”
[liquid pours; rotating hand gesture meaning continue]
“There IS an unpaid internship held for two years, sir”
“Relevant to the field?”
“Yes sir, with references provided”
[silence; shot glass waiting in hand]
“What skills does the applicant list?”
“Proficient in Microsoft Office”
“SHOT!”
[they do]
“What else?”
“Deadline-oriented”
“‘NOTHER SHOT!”
[they do]
“WHAT ELSE”
“I… need some water”
“NO TIME FOR THAT MARY. MORE SKILLS!”
“Three years experience editing a faculty member’s novel?”
[silence; hiring manager glares inconsolably at shot glass]
“One thing more, Mary.”
“Sir?”
“Is the applicant… a team player?”
“……. yes sir”
“IT’S MINE!”
[Hiring manager springs forward, grabs resume, feverishly folds into paper airplane and tosses out window]
“MADE IT THROUGH THE NEXT-DOOR WINDOW. DOUBLE SHOT AND NEXT!”
HAHAHAHA
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Oh, no! I have been helping someone write resumes and last time I was looking for a job, those were all original sounding skills! I wonder how many people in HR we got drunk!
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