Notes From Taylor Swift’s Evil Lair



2006: Have bought guitar and am immersing self in what people call “Country Music.” Is painfully simple genre, which guarantees my swift (forgive me a dark chuckle), imminent rise. Is now only matter of time.

2006: Strategy to write many songs about powerful men in order to drain them of said power (much like vampire) has been enacted. Have released song “Tim McGraw.” Not sure who this McGraw character is, but noticed name on “most beloved old guy” list. Will destroy him.

2006: Have coined term “Squad Goals” to be saved for later date, perhaps when a social media platform for simple people is unleashed upon the world. Ideally, one that relies on selfies alone.

2007: Have released song “Teardrops on My Guitar.” Wanted to call it “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” but Mother tells me title has been taken by some band called The Beetles. Gross.

2007: Current reading: Machiavelli. “It is better to be feared than loved.” Guy makes alot of sense.

2007: Following Machiavelli’s advice, released holiday album. Of course, have no belief in Christian holidays. Prefer ancient Egyptian tradition of worshiping cats.


2008: Have started dating Jonas Brother. Not sure which one.

2008: Mother tells me he’s the “emo one.” Perhaps should change hair to include stray bangs of emotion? Not sure what “emotion” is, but fans tell me involves crying.

2008: NVM, he broke up with me. Will now write song about it. Will destroy him.

2008: Current research: L. Ron Hubbard. Dude made a Scientology Squad wishlist once upon a time, included long list of celebrities he hoped would soon join his cult and grant him popularity and power. Am currently drawing up own celebrity wishlist. Swiftology will soon become a thing. Is only matter of time.

2008: Released “Love Story” single. Original title “I Will Eat Your Soul So Play This Song 24/7,” but Mother tells me nobody likes demanding women. We’ll just see about that.

2008: Album is tops. Setting records. Told you, Mother.


2009: Have appeared on TV show “SNL” (show with no time for vowels). “Big Apple” now officially Taylor’s Homemade Apple Pie.

2009: Performed song “15” with Miley Cyrus. More like “5 and 3 Quarters,” am I right? Honky-tonk Disney Princess tried to teach me how to “twerk.” I told her she was good at it. Ha. Ha. Ha. Sure she will find herself in crack den soon.

2009: Am now dating someone named Taylor. Was fun at first, could refer to self in third person, as is preference, without attracting attention. Unfortunately, there can only be one. Will destroy him.

2009: Received award for Best Female Video (why the “female”? Obstruction from total domination, that’s why). Kanye interrupted, shocked face is now appearing on ET constantly. Note to self: Send Kanye nice gift basket. Like Will Smith, I Am Legend now.


2010: Am dating John Mayer. More like John Mayor of Shame once I release song about him.

2010: Current reading: Art of War. New goal: Find Prince Harry. Become royalty.

2011: Have won something at AMA’s. Award is shaped like shark fin. Very sharp and heavy. Can use on Carrie Underwood when the time is nigh.

2012: Straightened hair, appeared on cover of Vogue. Anna Wintour asked who I was. Will destroy her and steal her hairstyle without general public noticing. Perhaps even her literal hair. Taylor is not restricted by fashion.

2012: Prince Harry won’t return calls, started dating a Kennedy instead. Not sure which one. American royalty counts for something. Will destroy him.

2012: The Kennedy broke up with me, writing song “Begin Again” about ordeal. Original title “America Is Far Too Small A Country for My Taylorship Anyway,” but Mother says title too long for constant, unrelenting radio play.

2012: Dating Jake Gyllenwhatsit. Thought he had Oscar, but searched entire house for statuette with no luck. Will destroy him.

2012: He broke up with me. Housekeeper probably ratted out my whole “Find Oscar, Melt Down To Create Golden Statue In Own Image” plan. Will destroy her, too.

2012: Released new album “Red.” Original title: “The Streets Will Run Red With Jake Gyllenwhatsit’s Blood” but Mother said only Eminem can say stuff like that. As if Taylor cares what candy has to say about anything.


2012: No one notices hair getting shorter. No one notices fear I now incite.

2013: “Instagram” is now a thing. More like “InstaTaylorINYOURHOMEATALLTIMES.”

2013: Have noticed Beyonce now refers to herself as “Queen Bey.” WHAT. Have been making Mother, childhood henchgirls, and Karlie Kloss refer to me as “Queen Tay” for years. Also, Jay-Z NOT descended from royal lineage. I checked.

2013: SUCCESS! Have trapped Prince Harry in carefully laid Prince Trap. PH shorter than anticipated, but this is minor quibble. Taylor towers over all, regardless of actual height.

2013: Have searched all of Prince Harry’s house for Prince Crown (for resizing purposes), without success. Did, however, find 4 other guys who speak exactly like PH. They said they all go the same way; am confused if this is in reference to sexuality or royalty.

2013: RAGE. Is NOT Prince Harry, is only boy band member. Not sure which one, but intend to speak in British accent now until they are all driven insane and break up with me. And hopefully each other. Will destroy them.

2013: Current reading: Old Testament. Enjoy how mean God is.


2014: Have released “1989” album, though was born at dawn of time. The wait is over: world domination is but awaiting checkmark (with heart-shaped flourish) on to-do list.

2014: Song “Shake It Off” is topping all charts. More like “Shake In Your Boots and Stop Resisting, Mere Mortals.”

2014: Have started posting pictures of cats. Have harnessed the power of both Pinky AND The Brain.

2015: “Squad” of Henchwomen in full force. Have decided to appear compassionate and include “Smart Girls.” But not too smart. Not about to risk someone like Malala infiltrating the TayTay Cave.

2015: Have pissed off Katy Perry. Told her she could secede from The United States Of Taylor Squad if she wanted. Was of course lying. Will annihilate her with one instagram post of fluffy new kitten.

2015: Quest for PH proving tiresome, considering giving up on England after discovering country’s national confusion regarding biscuits, crackers, and cookies. Of course, feast only on the shame of humans so irrelevant issue, but still. Annoying.

2015: Have explained to media that am single (held back on the whole soulless, ageless thing). Notice popularity may be slipping, no time for that: may start dating someone named “DJ.” He keeps tweeting me and claims to be musician; thus far claim remains unsubstantiated.

2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party Hosted By Graydon Carter - Arrivals

2015: Still not sure what “DJ” stands for. Am confused by the other two names he occasionally calls himself. No time for dating a Russian novel; will destroy him soon.

2016: Beyonce has released “Lemonade,” most of which about destruction and shame of her own husband, Jay-Z. Touche, Bey: my only worthy opponent (does B have Squad, though? Answer is no. Destiny and her Children vanished pretty fast).

2016: FINALLY, have started dating Prince Harry. The world is not enough. Get ready, “Queen Bey.” Henchwoman Squad on-call: the Great Reckoning begins.

2016: Foiled AGAIN. Is NOT Prince Harry. Is only English actor/Norse God. Have attempted to gain superpowers, he says they are only “movie powers.” Is clearly holding back. Will destroy him.

2016: Social media has imploded, thanks to Not Prince Harry. Unexpected perk, will see if such domination intrigues Real PH; perhaps an orchestrated holiday “party” with a series of matching swimsuits? That Deadpool guy may serve as appropriate hostage to demonstrate my bellipotency. I may destroy him, just to keep in shape.

In meantime, have not one but THREE cuddly cat pics at the ready. Perhaps my time is at hand after all. More to come…


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