Things I Think About While At The Gym

Four miles. You can do it. Run like the wind.


Run like you’re Pocahontas, painting with all the colors and stuff.

Pocahontas, man. That girl was FIT.

If I were on Jimmy Fallon’s lip synching segment, what songs would I perform?

This seems like far too weighty a question for the treadmill.

Weighty, haha.

You have to do a really quick, complicated rap-type song and a power ballad, I’m pretty sure.

Emma Stone is my inspiration for all things.

Maybe “Brush Your Shoulders Off” and “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”?

The way that lady singer says “crazay” cracks me up.

I should probably boost the incline on this so no one thinks I’m a wuss.

What sport is that on TV, even? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that sport before.

Oh, it’s not a sport, it’s a new cooking show. Those contestants are so sweaty, though.

No, roving personal trainer. Please don’t come this way. Goawaygoawaygoaway OH HI. Can’t hear you, earbuds. Why don’t you go offer advice to that guy over there who can’t figure out where to put his feet on that weight machine?

You are gonna look SO hot in that size 8 dress you have in the back of your closet. In like 2 years.

I wonder how pregnant women work out. Isn’t getting out of the car exercise enough? It would be enough for ME.

Being pregnant must be so weird.


Shake it, shake it like a polaroid pictuuurrree…



I must have gone at least 2 miles by now!

Nope. What the heck. Running takes FOR.EV.ER.

No, Random Gym Guy with Pitying Smile, do not approach. Don’t do it.

No, I’m not working out really hard. I’m at level 4 right now. I just LOOK like I’m working out really hard because I sweat uncontrollably, especially when randos approach me. No, don’t offer me a high-five, that’s so embarra– oh, you did it. Ok. Thanks for the encouragement.

It would have served you right if I fell off this thing while trying to return your high five, you condescending weirdo.

Maybe someday I’ll find a sports bra that works.

All of THESE girls look like they know where to shop for sports bras.

No, sorry lady, I wasn’t checking you out. I was just wondering where you got your sports bra. You don’t have to move two machines over.

Why on earth would you want to face a mirror while you work out? I don’t even want to begin to see the expressions I’m making right now.

WOAH pop music has gotten really dirty. No wonder everyone likes Taylor Swift.

Oh dude, you’re so cool. Yeah, drop those weights so we all notice how hard you’re working out. That does it for me every time.

I dunno, it’s really hard to work out to Taylor Swift.

Oh, no.

No, Person I Know. Do not acknowledge me. Do not see me. Not here. Not like this. Remember me as I was: in normal clothes that didn’t include an X-men T-shirt and a giant headband wrapped around half my ruddy face. Remember me. 

Is it worth it to pay for a gym membership when you only go once a week?

Well, they have tanning here. That’s a nice perk.

As if you could ever tan, ha. ha. ha.

Showtunes are surprisingly effective to work out to.

Oh, you just had to sing that song from Wicked out loud, didn’t you?

No, teenager, do not approach. I was not singing a song from Glee.

Oh, Glee’s on TV!

Whoever said “run like Joseph Gordon Levitt is waiting for you at the finish line” was full of it and totally anti-feminist. I run for ME.


Joseph wouldn’t wait at the finish line, anyway. He’d be running towards me.

I bet he’d be alot faster than me, too.

I’d probably only have to run about half a mile if Joseph were involved in this scenario.

Yeah, half a mile. Half a mile is good.

You are gonna look SO hot in that size 8 dress you have in the back of your closet. In like 3 years, tops.

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