An Open Letter To Prof. Matthew McConaughey



Dear Mr. McConaughey,

Mcconaug-greetings and salutations! It has come to my attention that you will soon be mcconaugteaching a handful of lucky pupils at UT Austin your mcconaugways. What mcconaugwisdom you will likely be bestowing on these blessed mcconaugstudents I cannot even mcconaugprehend. Imagine it: your very own mcconaugclass. Well, I’m just Free State of Jonesin‘ to sign up for THAT.

These college girls, right? They stay the same age, etc (excusonaughey my mcconaugphrasing, I’m simply in awe– mcconaugawe, if you will).


Gotta love those mcconaugcrow’s feet.

To be as transparent as any shirt you may see fit to wear (but let’s be mcconaugplain, there aren’t many of those, lolconaughey), initially when I heard this news I was like mcconaugno— there is no way this man could find time in his mcconaugschedule to fittonaughey in all of those lectures. McConaughey (as I know you call your McConaugself, so forgive me if I am too familiar) would never be able to mcconaugdense all those mcconaugfacts into such a small span of time– especially with that mcconaugdrawl (good mcconauglawd, it would take you HOURS just to discuss that stellar crying scene of yours in mcconaugspace. Now that was a good sobconaughey).  And grading all of those essanaugheys? Mcconaugeez, am I right? Yawnaughey.


We all have mcconaugwoes.

But then I was like, you know what? Mcconaugyay. MCCONAUGYAS. It’s a multi-mcconaugtasking fella that can scare the mcconaugcrap outta me (not to mention all of those under age trailer park girls) in Killer Joe (you sexonaughey mcconaugkiller, you), bring a theatre full of mcconaugchicks to their feet after your performance in that Channing Tatum movie (though maybe I never want to see you in a thongaughey again, for the mcconaugrecord), and score-onaughey a mcconaugwin at the Oscars ALL while expounding on the mystconaugheys of life in those mcconaugwhack Lincoln commercials. Way to lay down the McconaugLaw, man– the world is your mcconaugoyster, there is no mcconaugquestion about it.


Was it a mcconaugright or a mcconaugleft? Shoulda stopped for directions. Nah, man, just keep rollin’.

Of mcconaugcourse, I am mcconaugcognizant of your prowess, and mcconaugconfident that you will make a boss professor. You’ve already taught us all so mcconaugmuch: how to mcconaugwoo the ladies in your romantic mcconaugomedies, how to build confidence with a simple and bewildering mcconaugchant while at mcconaugbrunch with Leo, how to befriendaughey a cranky Woody Harrelson whilst espousaugheying nihilism (and finding God in a mcconarevelation), not to mention how to discernaughey between Fool’s Gold and Mud. You’ve shown me how to lose that extra mcconaugweight (fake AIDS), how to make Contact with Jodie Foster, how to be a big bronaughey to a mcconauglittle person (you and Gary Oldman have amazing mcconaugchemistry, btw), how to be seriousonaughey about your Frailty when it’s mcconaugtime to kill, and, most importantly, How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.


Ya gotta have mcconaugheart.

Mcconaugthus, here is my mcconaugproposal: make me your TA. As your mcconaugssistant, I would mcconaugstrive for nothing but the mcconaugbest for you. I could help with all of your mcconaugpaper-grading, and would relish fetching your necessitheys. Without instruction, I would instantly serve your coffee or mcconaugtea when needed. I could do a bit of mcconaugcooking, too. Tell me, do you like mcconaugsauce on your bisconaugheys, or do you prefer gravy on your mcconaugbreakfast?

I think this arrangement might be an excellent mcconaugbreak for Camilla, who, I am sure, is very busy bearing your mcconaugspawn (aw, those mcconaugcuties). I could even help mcconaugkeep an eye on your nephew, Miller Lite (I am a mcconaugificent babysitter). Plus, this would clear some time for that much-needed bongo-playing (but keep it down for the neighborhood, mcconaugk?)


The Mcconaugman bids us all peaconaughey.

On the mcconaugprowl for a devotee with enough mcconaugcompetence to be your gopher? Look no further, Mr. M. Your search mcconaugculminates right here.

So, Professor McConaughey: Will your answer be Mcconaugnay…. or all right all right all right? Let me know.

Long Live The McConaugssiance,

A Big McConaugfan


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