Woody Allen Reboots Popular Films

There Will Be Blood: Oh, There’s Gonna Be So Much Blood Everywhere, I’m Not Good With Blood, How Much Blood Is There Gonna Be? Does Anyone Know?

Never Been Kissed: NO ONE WILL KISS ME!

The Road Warrior: The Road Worrier

Mad Max: Fury Road: Mad Malcolm: Worry Road


There are NO speed limits on this road, and it’s very concerning.

A League Of Their Own: Well, They’re All Out of My League, That’s For Sure.

Lord of the Rings: Can’t We Just Go To A Jeweler Or Something? Throwing It In An Eternal Fire Seems A Little Extreme, But That’s Just Me.

Jaws: That’s Fine, I Didn’t Want To Go Swimming Anyway.

The Godfather: Crime Is Bad For My Asthma, But The Money’s Pretty Good. OR: You’re Lucky You Even Know Your Godfather, Mine Gave Me A Nickel When I Was Ten And I Never Saw Him After That.

The Godfather Part II: I Didn’t Want To Go Fishing Anyway.

The Godfather Part III:  I’m Not One To Judge, But Dating Your Cousin Seems Kind Of Desperate.

Pulp Fiction: What Is This Weird… Floaty Stuff In My Orange Juice? Is That A Real Thing? I’m Just Going To Drink Some Milk Instead. This Is Making Me Question Everything. Is There A God?

Fight Club: I’d Love To Wrestle, But Surely We Can Settle This With A Friendly Game Of Scrabble, Right, Fellas?


The First Rule of Fight Club should maybe be “Try Using Your Words.” No? Just an idea.

Spirited Away: Where Are We Going? I Get Airsick Sometimes. Don’t Worry About It. I’ll Just Try To Vomit Quietly.

Psycho: I’m Not Calling You Crazy, But I Am, A Little. Don’t Get Upset! I Have Issues With My Mother, Too, But After Years Of Therapy I Don’t Have To Wear Her Hair Anymore.

The Green Mile: A Mile Is Such a Long Distance To Walk When You Know You’re About To Be Electrocuted, Can’t I Just Die Right Here Instead?

Sunset Boulevard: This Street Is Too Dim, I Can Hardly See The Road. I’d Never Have To Deal With This In New York. Let’s Pull Over.

Rush: Slow Down, Whaddya Have To Go So Fast For?

Requiem For A Dream: I Have Lots of Dead Dreams, But You Don’t See Me Writing Songs About Them.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind: It’s So Bright And Clean In Here, Mind If I Ask What Spot Treatment You Use?


I think I feel a sneeze coming on.

Scarface: You Got A Little– There’s A Little Something– Just, No, Right There, On Your Face– Oh, That IS Your Face. Not A Big Deal, You Know, Women Love That Kind Of Thing. I Wish I Had One. No, It’s A Nice Scar, Really Brings Out Your Eyes.

Hotel Rwanda: Maybe We Should Have Gone To Motel 6 Instead Or Something.

Ben-Hur: Do You Think If I Looked More Like Charlton Heston That I’d Be More Attractive To Jewish Women?

The Martian: I Just Wish Matt Damon Were More Down-To-Earth, Y’know?

Toy Story: The Story Of My Toys Is I Didn’t Have Any Growing Up. But Soon-Yi Still Does, And I Think They’re Overrated, Honestly.

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