Things Catwoman Taught Me


Listen up, kittens.

I’ve been a Catwoman fan since… practically birth. I will follow her anywhere, from TV to movies, through way too many comic book incarnations. I have gathered all of the lessons this magnificent character has taught me, and I present them to you now, collected for your edification.


Fitness Tip: Keep those calves in tip-top form by literally always wearing high heels. Always. All the time. Also, thigh-high boots are great for yoga.


Dating Tip: Wanna steal that one guy’s heart? Steal his stuff first. Works every time.


Babysitting Tip: Bondage get-ups are perfectly socially acceptable. Even children love them. Apparently they also love dressing up as Mr. Monopoly, probably because even at a young age they know that cat-girls like the green.


Business Tip: Synergy, synergy, synergy. Don’t burn bridges (or eat birds). Is that short weirdo with fish breath always annoying you by the copy machines? You may need that dude’s alliance– er, help later. Like in the deep end of the pool at the company party when you can’t swim. THEN you might be sorry you called him fishbreath.


Life Hack: Have a reliable source of income. Like stealing. Stealing is good. Bonus points if you have a furry minion who agrees with you.


Business Tip: Don’t let people say you’re too young to know your own career trajectory. Sometimes it’s just obvious.


Self Confidence Tip: Have some self-respect. Everyone has their thing; that one guy likes to wear makeup and tell awful jokes, that other lady has worn green literally her whole life and talks to plants (mix it UP, nerd), that kid in tights is clearly in denial about his sexuality. Find YOUR thing. Don’t let them bring you down; haters gonna hate.



Fashion Tip: Black is the new purple is the new black is the new grey is the new high-cut slit dress with cape. But whips never go out of style.


Dating Tip: Keep those cat-eyes out for a guy with confidence and a strong jaw, but mainly shared interests. Once you find someone who likes rooftops and masks with ears on them just as much as you do, you’re golden.


Self Confidence Tip:  Double/Triple-D’s are a non-inhibitor.


Fitness Tip: A few lunges here, a few squats there, preferably next to a pillar of some kind, will keep your tush in catsuit-shape, but the key here is the look of disdain. That’s what really keeps things tight.


Budgeting Tip: Can’t afford new leather pants? Don’t sweat it. The old ones are fine. They’re fine.


Self-Defense Tip: Most of your foes rely on their contraptions, physical strength, genius, or so-called “morals,” but a gun works just as well. Weird how most people in Gotham don’t think of this.


Dating Tip: Bad at flirting? Find those cutesy texts going nowhere? Try entrapment,  meddling while he’s on the job, and punny threats. When that doesn’t work, just lick his chin.


Self-Confidence Tip: Does gossip bring you down? Is everyone talking about how you’re too legendarily oversexualized to be welcome in their wholesome households or their Target toy shelves? Don’t even worry about it. They’ll feel bad for their cat-shaming one day: just know that you’ll always have a place in the hearts of those who truly love you.


Party Tip: A friendly wave of the paw helps to break the ice at social gatherings.


Fashion Tip: Trendy eyewear is ALWAYS worth fighting for.


Party Tip: If you find yourself in an awkward social situation, like, say, that boring Commissioner guy corners you by the punch and WON’T STOP TALKING about your ex, “Meow” is always the fail-proof response. It’s the ultimate crowd-pleaser.


Life Hack: Feeling depressed? You know who your REAL friends are by their fur. You can never have too many cats.


Self Confidence Tip: They can never call you a Crazy Cat Lady if you always look smokin’ hot. Own it. Or steal it, and THEN own it.


Self-Defense Tip: Don’t start cat fights. But finish her. I mean, finish them. Finish the cat fights. You’re the one with claws, for crying out loud.


Fashion Tip: Good hygiene is of the utmost. Clean your face every day, and keep those claws manicured.


Life Hack: We all have our bad days (and movies). Don’t stress. Get on out of that dumpster (unless you found something valuable in there. Was that an earring? Keep looking). Climb every fire escape, ford every alleyway puddle.


You’ll be back, and you’ll be better than ever. Meow.

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