Gargoyles, Ranked By Approachability

Gargoyles are everywhere.  If you’re not seeing them in gothic architecture in Europe, you’re probably seeing them singing songs and dancing with pigeons in Disney movies, or else as pieces in nerdy board games.  Or you may just have an unfortunate relative.  Wherever you’re seeing gargoyles these days, you need to be aware of which ones you can approach and which ones you should run screaming away from.  Here are a few of note.


This gargoyle should not be approached under any circumstances.  You’re probably not too bad by yourself, little pigoyle, but you are frozen Han Solo style in stone which means you probably pissed off some really gross and important people.  I’m not gonna risk the same happening to me.  Also you have a scared rabbit on your lap.  Are you eating it?  Are you comforting it?  What?  I’m confused and I don’t trust it.

WHAT ARE YOU NEVER NEVER GO NEAR THIS GARGOYLE MONSTROSITY NO  You look like a nightmare rollypolly that just ate through the inside of this building.

I feel like these three are watching two other gargoyles duke it out in a pit, which is vulgar and unsettling.  Also who are the tiny people the woman is holding?  Skeletons?  Tiny men with normal heads?  A couple of ratchet orphans?


This Dobby-goyle just makes me feel sad.  It’s also a little too Simba Watching Mufasa Fall To His Death (spoilers) for me to feel okay about.  Approach this gargoyle if you want to, but be sure to have some kleenex on hand.

That’s alright, you keep your skull, birdface gargoyle.  I don’t want it and will casually keep walking pretending I never saw you.

I do not like this AT ALL.  Your stone bible doesn’t fool me, you are not a nice helpful gospel man.  You are LEERING.  You are a LEERER.  Put those eyebugs back in your skull and look away, man.  There’s nothing for you here.

Satan.  What are you doing out of your cage?

Holy WHAT.  I just want to know what the conversation was that made the sculptor inflict this on the world.  “You know what we don’t have enough of?  DEMON DOGS TEARING A DUDE’S FACE OFF.”

“I’m constipated and I maybe kind of like it?”

This city has just pissed this guy off for the last time.  He’s not even mad about it.  They’ll get their just deserts.  Just wait and see.


This gargoyle will take no note if you approach, so don’t even bother.  Do you not see the stone bird NIBBLING on his EAR?  He can’t even be bothered.  He is WRITING, exCUSE him.

You poor utterly DISTRAUGHT one-horned gargoyle!  Your friend has turned his back to you and the bird next to you is too shocked by the sky to be of any help.  You look like you’ve seen things, man, and I wish I could hug you and make it all go away.  Somebody get this gargoyle a drink, STAT.


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