Things I Believe About Mondays

  • There are actually 8 days of the week, and Monday is two of them.
  • The god of Mondays is a tiny little sleep gremlin who crawls into your ear on Sunday night and spends the next 48 hours (all still Monday, remember) tormenting you with how much you want to be asleep.
  • The water is drugged on Mondays.
  • The world also shifts slightly once a week, so that everything is just barely at an angle, making you feel dizzy and confused all day.
  • Birds die on purpose on Mondays.  They leave their sad little feathery bodies in the sidewalk hoping that you’ll either trip on them or squish them with your shoes and have to buy new ones even though you don’t have any money.
  • Banks and Mondays are in it together to get all of your money that you don’t have.
  • Very cruel people speak a variant of English on Monday so that you have no idea what they are saying when they sneak up and speak to you unexpectedly.  It sounds like English, looks like English, smells like English.  But it’s not English.
  • Your desk drawers are full of spiders, but only when you’re not looking.
  • Whenever something goes missing any time at all, somewhere there’s a Monday lurking and mocking you.
  • When something dies on a Monday, it comes back as a horrible financial transaction that you need to take care of ASAP.
  • The other days of the week hate Monday too, but Monday has threatened to turn them all into tax forms if they try anything.
  • Your body is 84.9% more likely to to have something fall off on a Monday compared to any other day.
  • The dream about losing all your teeth was invented on a Monday.
  • All weekend, Monday is hiding in your sink drain, and pushes itself against the sides when you look down so that you can only barely see it.  When 11:59pm becomes midnight on Sunday, Monday oozes out of the sink and fills your home and that’s why Mondays smell like garbage.
  • Mondays have some sort of agreement with cats and all parties involved should be watched very closely.

    This post originally appeared on Vagabond Homebody

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